First Harmonic Guru


The First Harmonic Guru (FHG, for clarity) is one of those who survived
the Great Blackout.

FHG is also known as Brahma to the readers of Hindu newspaper (Hindus, for
short), Brahma-ji to Vedic Scientists and Baba-ji to

In the years of the power blackout, nobody had anything useful to do and
so they in general, were pleased to live with the inertia of mental garbage
they have collected over time. They still watched TV in their minds, without
switching it on, in front of them. They strained to hear the music from their
powerless stereos, as they have long since stopped listening, and were
pleased with their musical mental noise. Many contributed white noises like
“hi”, “Yu Kno”, “Hmm”, “I dunno”, “Oh”, “Aw”, while
some talked with it.

Nobody spoke.

Life, in general, moved. Some believed, forward.

Some prevailing religions called this the Brahma of Unhappiness, but most
aliens with helmets and antennas who visited in UFOs to get sexual favors
from the so called Americans, observed it as the Unbreakable Signs of
collective nonchalance normal among the Sixth Sense.

Shyamalan agreed.

So did Brahma.

FHG, once a professional bum, became jobless and listless. So FHG did
years of meditation in front of a TV screen, sitting on a potato couch with
liquid thorns, without much food. Once every year, for D-Vine Intervention,
he ate some couch and drank some thorns. After some years, on a lark, he
spread the couch on a swing executing simple harmonic motion over a green,
pseudo vector field and sat on it to continue the meditation. The color of
the field need not bother us here, as the vectors, although pseudo,
nevertheless, came in many colors. In this particular field for instance,
they were in blue and yellow, the mixture giving a general impression of
green fields.

By the way, vectors, after a much-debated International Conference on
Topology, are the universal names given to crops that once grew ozra
. This was because of a minor confusion at the hotel, where both
the agriculturists and mathematicians held research conferences on the same
dates, unfortunately, under the same topic. Once the mistake was realized,
much tensors and pests were exchanged and many mathematicians changed
coordinates in shame. Some went to Mumbai while others adapted to the
curvilinear. The agriculturists, for their part, re-christened officially,
brand names like IR-8 and IR-20 as 5 x 6 = 8 and 5 x 6 = 20. Literate in
Tamil (Tamizh when written in Tamil) learnt their math bad by
reading these equations. The agriculturists culled the profit as the shop
owners made the aforementioned buyers pay more five rupee notes than is
necessary for the purchase of an 8-rupee bag of rice.

Soon however, the jealous politicians, who doubled as educationist, found
a remedy. They recognized internationally recognized institutes based in
Tamil Nadu, already taught branches of sciences dealing with vectors and
fields. The name can remain the same just the subjects need to be changed. So
a major revamp of the education was suggested, planned and executed, all in
precise abandon.

For instance, the Chennai based Injun Institute of Technology advertised
specialized vector field courses that taught how to differentiate entire
vector fields from pests and how to integrate two vector fields without
water. Landlords recruited these IIT graduates to take care of their vector
fields and maximized their profit, as these graduates knew how to
differentiate under the integral sign. The government for their part, offered
free loans (oxymoron?) to learn more on pseudo vector fields, immaterial of
their color. Some self-financed institutions offered Vibgyor degrees with
special discounts for students who could take more than one color at the same

Overall, Tamil Nadu, following the Gandhi way, went for its villages with
lots of vector fields. It became prosperous as colors thrived and vectors

However, disharmony persisted in the minds of the people.

That brings us back to the FHG swinging over the field, thinking back and
forth, his thoughts swinging with the sway of the swing. The vectors looked
blue, then green, then yellow, and then green again. He concentrated deeply.
Years passed and the couch dilapidated into a bunch of carbohydrates and the
thorns sheared to wetness. The TV in front of him diffused away into its
pixelesque hell.

Finally, on a fine day, he arrived at harmony. He thought of it this

I think, therefore I am. Therefore, I am as I think. If I think I am not,
still I am, as I think therefore I am. But as I think I am not, I am not as I
think. So I am not, therefore I think. To conclude, I am not, therefore I
think, therefore I am…

Thus he realized after many years of swinging, the Simple Harmonic
Solution of the Universe, from one extreme to the other, both perceivable but
equally absurd. He went on to change his name from Brahma to the First
Harmonic Guru, claiming to have descended as a progressive wave out of the
Simple Harmonic Guru clan.

The spiritual center of the universe, as he claimed, happened to be where
he was sitting on the day of realization, which by the way was the swing. The
swing swung over the pseudo vector field, which undulated over the Earth that
moved around a particularly dull star, somewhere on the eastern backwaters of
a galaxy that rotated in its axis once in about 34000000 earth years and also
moved about, receding from other nearby galaxies at a great speed so that, in
a few million years the nearby galaxies won’t be as nearby as nearby is
today. As to the Earth and its particularly dull star, there were many fights
among the dull earthlings as to, which orbited which.

Later they fought more on the circular simple harmony of the orbits. Some
Indian thoughts, blamed strongly to the works of Vedic Scientists, claimed
the orbital period of the galaxy as close to 38000000 earth years or one
manvantara, the lifetime of a Brahma. Some living in far-off places
from India that were marked as “here be dragons” in Vedic Maps made by
Vedic Scientists, claimed the duration of the earth years in the Indian
thoughts were wrong. Some others originating from these far-off places but
dubbed “westerners” claimed the dates of the works by the Vedic
Scientists were uncertain as they couldn’t find enough carbon.

The westerners themselves couldn’t be damn sure because their calendars,
even though had lots of carbon, upon subjected to periodical political whims,
frequently missed many days and sometimes, whole months. Most in India who
agreed with the numbers also agreed that most of the westerners were stupid.
Many others in India disagreed that the Vedic Scientists were from India but
still agreed the westerners were stupid. The result of all of this is that
the spiritual center of the Universe could never be determined with
reasonable accuracy. This provided the missing component of the wonder to the
already incomprehensible, resulting in the profound.


[The name First Harmonic Guru, was a healthy coinage by my friend Srini,
for use in a joint venture, which is still shelved inside our grandfather
computer. The narration presented above is entirely my toxic concoction –